The Ups and Downs of Love Psychologist Robert Sternberg views love as a triangle, whose three sides consist of passion, intimacy, & commitment. Ψ Passionate Love is emotional, exciting, & intense. Elaine Hatfield (1988) defined it as a state of intense longing for union with another. Passionate love is mostly expressed in a physical manner while maintaining an exclusive relationship. Schacter & Singers Two Factor Model of Emotion states that arousal X label (cognitive) = emotion. It appears that physical arousal from any source intensifies feelings of passion. Time & culture both have an affect on the love formed in a relationship, e. g. In non-Western cultures, love often follows marriage. Gender: Men tend to fall more readily in love & seen to fall out of love more slowly, Men are less likely to break up a premarital romance. Women may be more emotionally involved & are more focused on the intimacy of the relationship & on concern for their partner. Ψ Companionate Love is best defined as a passionate love that has settled to a warm enduring love between the two partners in a relationship. Psychologist Robert Sternberg conception of the kinds of loving as combinations of the 3 basic components of love. In his 1973 book The Colors of Love, John Lee compared styles of love to the color wheel. Just as there are three primary colors, Lee suggested three primary & three secondary styles. Primary: Eros self-disclosing passion Ludos Love as a game Storge Love as friendship Secondary Mania (Eros + Ludos) Obsessive love Pragma (Ludos + Storge) Realistic & practical love Agape (Eros + Storge) Selfless love Ψ Maintaining Close Relationships Equity theory: the idea that people are happiest with relationships in which the rewards & costs experienced & the contributions made by both parties are roughly equal. Long-term equity is achieved by not focusing on who owes who in a relationship. When one partner provides the other with their needs, a form of return in not expected. Being able to look past & not feel that a debt is owed, is what allows the relationship to last. Ψ Self-Disclosure Deep, Companionate relationships allow us to feel accepted for who we are. An important part in the growth of a relationship is the self-disclosure process. Exposing ones innermost thoughts & weaknesses helps to nurture love. The nature of the disclosures steadily progresses in a increasing fashion, due to disclosure reciprocity (disclosure begets disclosure). Carl Rogers (1980) identified 3 factors which make growth promoting listeners effective (at eliciting disclosure): people who are genuine in revealing their own feelings. accepting of other peoples feelings. empathetic & sensitive listeners. Ψ Internet Effects The internet provides a pathway for computer-mediated communication within virtual communities, it is not the real thing, & does not work as well as the real thing. The "digital divide" accentuates social & educational inequalities. "Balkanization" (diversity of viewpoints both good & bad) is built into the system. From the work of Robert Putnam: Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community (2000, ISBN 0-7432-0304-6).Ψ Ending Relationships Often, when people perceive a relationship to be unequal, they will end the relationship. The closer & longer the relationship has lasted, the more painful the breakup. Who Divorces: Individualistic Cultures (where love is a feeling not an obligation) have more divorce than do communal cultures. People usually stay married if they: Have a stable income Were married after age 20 Are religiously committed Are well and similarly educated Date a long while before marriage Are of similar age, faith, and education Both grew up in stable, two-parent homes Did not cohabitate or become pregnant before marriage The Detachment Process: Severing bonds produces a predictable sequence of agitated preoccupation with the lost partner, followed by deep sadness &, eventually, the beginnings of emotional detachment & a return to normal living. From the work of Hazan & Shaver (1994). --------------------------------------- Social Psychology Robert C. Gates