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Links:      •  Self Test                 •  Print Ready Version                  •  Chapter Index		Epilogue: - Death & Dying - Bereavement & Grief -

Ψ  Bereavement: the experience of losing a loved one.

Ψ  Grief: one's emotional reaction to the death of a loved one.

  Ψ  The traditional Irish Wake was commonplace in Ireland up until about the 1970's & illustrates one culture's response to the need for the expression of grief. Perhaps a return to this kind of pattern is in order.
 
    FYI: The traditional Irish wake was the process of laying out the body of a departed relative in the house where they lived & /or died. All of the family & quite a few of the deceased ones neighbors & friends would gather at the house. The body was usually in a coffin in the parlor of the house or living room. There would be lots of food & plenty of drink to be consumed. People would come & socialize & remember the departed person's life. This wasn't a time for tears to say the least, it was more of a party than a funeral. It was the traditional Irish way of celebrating one's life & ensuring that they had a good send off.

    Ψ   Mourning has become more private, less emotional, & less religious than formerly. This is not "good" for resolving grief! See: absent grief below.
 
    •  Younger generations of all spiritual backgrounds are likely to prefer small memorial services after cremation, while older generations prefer burial after a traditional funeral.
 
    •  There is an increasing tendency towards social isolation for those who have just lost their loved ones. This is exactly the opposite of a healthy reaction.
 
    •  A proper mourning should bring sympathy & attention. Grief that lingers can even cause death, primarily from heart disease, cirrhosis, & especially for men, suicide.
 
    •  Unexpressed grief also harms the larger community, particularly children: the funeral provides the setting in which private sorrow and public loss can be both expressed and shared as a social ceremony, it serves to bring together the community. It also serves as an important vehicle of cultural transmission.

Ψ  Normal grief  is a term used to describe the typical symptoms somebody experiences after a loss. It can include:
 
•  anger.
 •  feelings of guilt.
  •  sadness & tearfulness.
   •  preoccupation with the loss.
    •  seeing or hearing the voice of the loss one.
     •  disturbed sleep & appetite &, occasionally, weight loss.
      •  disbelief, shock, numbness & feelings of unreality.
       •  Denial, combined with deep waves of sadness (Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking).

Ψ  Complicated types of Grief:

•  Absent Grief: A situation in which overly private people cut themselves off from the community & customs of expected grief; can lead to social isolation. (not good)
•  Incomplete Grief: A situation in which circumstance interfere with the process of grieving. (not good)
•  Disenfranchised Grief: A situation in which certain people, although they are bereaved are not allowed to mourn publicly. (not good)
•  Anticipatory grief: occurs when you know in advance that your loved one is going to die. You start getting ready psychologically, & you begin the grieving process. (may lessen the hurt)

  Grief - common themes & emotional reactions, Three phases:
 
      1. Impact - shock, denial, & numbness usually persist from six to eight weeks.
       2. Confrontation - react to the loss (i.e., experience the pain).
        3. Accommodation / Acceptance
 
         (Bowlby, 1980; Parkes, 1986,1991; Rambo,1995)

  Twelve Ways to Help the Bereaved:
 
     •  By being there
      •  By tolerating silences
       •  By listening in an accepting and non-judgmental way
        •  Avoid the use of clichés such as "Think of all the good times",
           "You can always have another child" etc.
          •  By encouraging them to talk about the deceased
           •  Be practical in your offer of support by minding children or cooking
            •  By mentioning the dead persons name
             •  Accept that tears are normal and healthy
              •  Don't try to fill in conversations with a lot of outside news.
               •  Remember that grief may take many years to work through
                •  Acknowledge birthdays, death dates, anniversaries etc.
                 •  By accepting that you cannot make them feel better
 
      •  The Centre for Grief Education, McCulloch House, Monash Medical Centre, 246 Clayton Road, CLAYTON VIC 3168 Australia